That Time When Online Dating Wasn’t Awkward At All

October 13, 2015 0 comments

Just kidding! It totally was.

This past Saturday I stayed in with my BFF and we planned on getting drunk and watching Hocus Pocus. (Don’t lie, you’re jealous. Fear not! October’s not yet over, you still have time to drink and watch Hocus Pocus yourself. May I also recommend the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Cursed, and/or Dracula Dead and Loving It.) Of course, we’re both single so before communing with the great and wondrous Bette Midler, armed only with rum and cokes, we delved head first into the world of online dating.

It’s impossible to say who won that night. He walked away with numerous dick pics, but I got a strip show over Skype that culminated in an enthusiastic, if quick, climax (yes, I do mean that kind of climax).

There were sensual hip movements, or at least what I assume was supposed to be sensual, while shorts were teasingly see-sawed down his hips. Pelvic regions were thrust. The suspense built – at least as much as one can build suspense over three minutes.  Until finally the star of the show was unleashed.

I giggled the entire time. Especially when he made it bounce around because I couldn’t stop thinking of the theme song from Sponge Bob Square  Pants where it says “flop like a fish”.

My friend says I was being catfished but I dunno, the guy seemed sincere and legit. I think he really liked me. Plus, he said he was planning on visiting my area soon (he lives in another province) and wanted to know if I’d be interested in getting together. See? Totes legit. Though I don’t think I will see him. I can’t imagine my parents would approve of me dating a stripper (yes, that is his self proclaimed profession).

I just wish I’d had the forethought to soundtrack the show with Tina Turner’s “Private Dancer”.

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