You Look Like a Nice Person. You’re Probably a Murderer

December 18, 2015 0 comments

You know you’ve been online dating too long and have become jaded when you see a guy’s profile picture and you think he looks like a nice person. And that thought is immediately followed by, “he’s probably a murderer.”

You know the type. He’s kind of generic, maybe a little bland. Safe. He looks safe. Like a teacher or a dentist. Nothing about him comes across as terribly exciting. You may have come across his online profile before and bypassed it, you’re not sure, he’s just not that memorable.

Then one day, I don’t know, maybe you had a bad day or maybe you’re already a wine bottle or two in, and you click yes to meeting him or send him a wink or however the fuck people communicate online these days. The next thing you know you’re chatting and he’s asking probing but not creepy questions about your seven cats and you think to yourself, “hey, this guy is interested in my life, he cares.”

After a reasonable amount of time – not too soon that he comes across as overeager and not too long so that you start to think there’s something wrong with you and like maybe he’s seeing someone else but keeping you going on the side because he’s not sure if chick number 1 is going to work out and he wants a backup – he asks you out on a non-threatening date. He suggests meeting at a local coffee place. It’s somewhere public, but reasonably quiet.

What you don’t know is that this hole-in-the-wall coffee place isn’t a diamond in the rough he found. No, it’s just rough and no one goes there. But you’re there already and you may as well go in, you’re sure it’s fine because, after all, he was legitimately concerned about Mitzy’s suspicious cough the other day (It was just a hairball. Phew!) so he must be a nice guy.

And you were never seen or heard from again.

The end. Of your life. Because he was a murderer. Beware nice looking guys.


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