That Time When I Scared a Guy Off by Offering Him My Phone Number

December 29, 2015 0 comments

WTF was I thinking? That thing is toxic. No one wants that shit.

The irony, of course, being that I’m always the one who runs away when numbers are requested or offered.

You want my number? But we’ve only been talking online constantly for four business days. IT’S TOO SOON! RUN AWAY FROM COMMITMENT!

Or something along those lines.

And yet this time, there I was talking to this guy for an about an hour late one Saturday night and when I decided I was about to pass out from exhaustion I offered him my number. Just gave it up. Didn’t make him work for it at all. And was subsequently shocked when he no longer wanted it. Hold on… that sounds kind of familiar.

The next day I played it cool. Went for brunch with friends, told them about him but whatever, not a big deal. But slowly it began to take hold.

It started with me asking my friends if they thought it was weird I hadn’t heard from him yet. “Well you guys were up late talking so maybe he’s not up yet.” Alright. Couple hours later, “It’s the week before Christmas, he’s probably out shopping.” Ok. An hour later, “He could be at work. Give him a chance before you start stalking him.”

That’s right, GIRL CRAZY was starting to set in.

Now, this hasn’t happened to me in YEARS. To be honest, I’d thought myself to be immune by now. Yeah, apparently not.

I ended up sending him an innocuous message that night. It was light and pithy and everything you want a gentle online reminder of your existence to be.

No. Response.

What. The. Fawk.

Girl Crazy then went into full effect. Seriously, I’m embarrassed to admit this but it’s kind of funny so I’m going to do it.

I met a friend for coffee and made her review the entire conversation history so she could tell me where I went wrong and how. I sat there in Starbucks and handed her my phone and made her analyze every exchange, pick apart every nuance and possible meaning.

At the end of it she concluded that he wasn’t that great and I didn’t do anything (obvious) to scare him off. She’s a good girlfriend 😉 Because he was pretty cool and I know she would actually tell me if I’d said something stupid, like “I want to have your babies,” or “Surely Donald Trump can’t be that bad.”

When she absolved me of all guilt I almost, almost, jumped up and fist pumped but I managed to reign the urge in. However, OkCupid dude, you can SUCK IT! Because I would have climbed you LIKE A TREE! Your loss beeotch. Just know that whatever skank you hook up with can’t possibly hold a candle to me. Mostly because I have a strict 10 foot clearance radius policy with regards to skanks holding candles.

Moral of the story, my friends, is that Girl Crazy is alive and well and the preventative vaccinations are not 100% effective. It can and will strike at any time regardless of age, experience, dead-inside-ed-ness and/or soullessness. Beware! You could be next!

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