So you find you’ve got some time on your hands and want to make yourself a healthy dinner. Something with more substance than popcorn but fewer calories than the pizza that you really want. Fear not, I have discovered a foolproof way to make you want to eat more lean meats! Bring on the chicken because you’re going to want all of that shit!
Step 1: Add a small amount of olive oil (virgin, extra virgin, super slutty, I don’t care, pick one) to a frying pan and heat
Step 2: Add chicken
Step 3: Cook until it won’t kill you
Step 4: Add the bacon that you’ve already prepared in another frying pan, away from the judgemental eyes of any nearby roaming adults.
Step 5: Add whatever vegetable(s) you find least offensive and who’s taste can be adequately covered by bacon (so like 99.9% of them)
Step 6: Add some form of cheese. Cheddar is always a crowd pleaser, however, if you’re going for low caloric effect and/or you want to use Caesar dressing, I recommend parmesan.
Step 7: Eat it and destroy the evidence that you made something resembling a balanced meal and disavow all knowledge of same. Don’t let that shit get out. Once people know you can actually cook they’ll want you to host dinner parties and the next thing you know you’re sipping champagne, eating caviar and using the word “indeed” whilst discussing the political agenda of the judges of the Westminster Dog Show.