Terms of Endearment. Cute or Cringeworthy?

April 27, 2016 0 comments

In the immortal words of Ms. Janet Jackson, “No my first name ain’t baby, it’s Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.”

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Generally I’m a fan of terms of endearments and nicknames and whatnot, but not when you haven’t even met the person yet!!! It just seems so fake! Or like they can’t be bothered to scroll back in the messages to see what your name was so they’ll just call you baby until they remember or accidentally call you by another chick’s name.

Here are some of the worst and why:

Baby or Babe – Seems to be pretty standard these days and gets thrown around willy nilly. Whatever, go for it, as long as you’re ok with nilly-ing your own willy. At least it’s not GODDAMN BAE.

Honey, Sweetie, etc. – A little more old fashioned, and while they may seem innocuous, if we’re not even to the stage where we’re talking off the dating website then don’t fucking call me anything other than my name or “hey you”. If we are off the dating website and you call me one of these or something equally diabetes-inducing, we’re done. This isn’t small town America, you’re not holding my hand outside of church, Pa isn’t going to give you permission to court me. You pet naming me doesn’t give me the feels – unless puking in my mouth is a feel. I have a perfectly good name, use it.

Also, honey now has the unfortunate association with Honey Boo Boo and no one wants any sort of reminder of that debacle.

Snickerdoodle, Pummyummyumpkin, etc – What the ever loving fuck? What self respecting person willingly names someone they claim to like something disgusting like that? And then, presumably, uses that name in public? That, my friends, is ear rape. Don’t do it.

Baby girl – are you fucking kidding me? When you really think about this one it’s disgusting. I mean, is the person using this not-so-secretly wanting the chick to be super young? Do they have some sort of weird daddy fetish? -or wish that she did? If you see them holding a large lollipop and/or removing their belt RUN AWAY.

You see, the thing with using words like these is that they’re supposed to denote a certain level of affection between the endearer and endearee. If I’ve just met you then that level of affection can’t yet exist which makes me feel as if you’re using the term(s) in some sort of subversive misogynistic pre-emptive power play. As if you’re attempting to establish some sort of patriarchal dominance bullshit over me and honey, that ain’t ever going to fly.

Available on Look Human. I want one.

Available on Look Human. I want one.

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