Is this my life?

I Breathed a Sigh of Relief When There Were No Drop Cloths to be Seen

May 16, 2016 0 comments

I may have just hooked up with a squatter.

And, as I write this, I still totally have sex hair.

So some dude I was chatting with online invited me to his abode for sexy fun times. Apparently he has perfect timing because I’ve never before considered doing the sex-delivered-to-your-door thing and yet… that’s exactly what I did.

We arranged a time, he sent me his address, and we texted throughout the afternoon until it was time for me to leave. I sent all of his info to a friend, just in case (because even when you’re being kind of stupid, there are still levels of stupid, and not taking that precaution would have been a level of stupid I was not prepared to stoop to). The address was in a really nice area soooo I went for it.

I met him outside his place as he was just getting back from doing some grocery shopping and he seemed nice, cute, not at all creepy, no obvious torture implements on his person so we went inside. And…

There was no furniture!!!!!


He closes the door behind me and leads me towards his bedroom, all the while explaining the place is his parents and they live elsewhere and he’s just living there temporarily.

Meanwhile I’m frantically looking around for plastic drop cloths and/or saws/cleavers/stainless steel implements that look sharp and gleam maliciously in the beautiful light filtering through the floor to ceiling windows facing the ocean.

We get to his room and there’s a couple blankets on the floor and a pillow, some chargers for iphone and whatever, a few articles of clothing… and that’s it.

Needless to say I was totally out of there. It was just too weird.

… is what a normal, sane person would have said. I, however, stayed for sexy fun times. And then I left. With my heart still beating within my chest cavity and all of my fingers and toes.

To the best of my knowledge he’s still squatting there. Whether it’s actually his parent’s place or not remains a mystery and I hope to the great god of good wine it stays that way because otherwise it means the police have come to question me about my involvement in an illegal squatting situation. *Gulp*

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