The hardcore snowboarder pic – omfg we get it, you’re active. Yay you. Gold star. NO ONE CARES. Seriously, do you post those pics hoping to attract the attentions of the mythical snowbunny? Let me tell you something guys, you don’t really want the snowbunny. Most of you want to go boarding with your bros! You don’t want to go with your girl! And that’s fine! It’s healthy to have separate hobbies outside of the relationship. No one likes it when a couple melds into a weird Siamese twin type thing. It’s visually unappealing, makes outings in public difficult, and no one wants to even think about the awkward bathroom situations.
The token animal pic – Stop using cute and cuddly animals as emotional bargaining chips! We don’t like it! -mostly because it works. So staaahp, I can only squee so much, dammit! Points are subtracted for exotic animals because, while I’m jealous you’re holding a tiger cub, I’m mostly wondering what third rate zoo you went to that values money over animal welfare.
The “I love my family! See? I’m not a psycho! I’m allowed around children!” pic – I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve come across profile pics of guys with what I assume most people think are cute kids (meanwhile I’m cringing, thinking, “fuck, he has a kid? NEXT!” only to realize as I’m hitting the “no” button that it’s not actually the fruit of his loins). If it’s not your loin fruit I don’t want to see a picture of you with it. You shouldn’t need to prove that you’re allowed within 50 feet of a minor. If it is your kid, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THEIR PHOTO ON THE INTERNET?! On a dating site, no less. You don’t know what kind of psychos are out there! (I don’t even know what kind of psychos are in here and I live with myself!)
The “I work out, no big deal” gym pic – Similar to the snowboarding pic but waaaaaay more douchey. Congratulations. You work out. You’re sexy and you know it. *gags* Spending quality time at the gym is a choice everyone has to make and if you’re super into getting ripped, more power to you. If you have those V ab thingys then I promise you I will drool over them. However, that is your choice on how you spend your time. Just like it is my choice to sit on the couch and watch Netflix while binge eating the butteriest popcorn ever. And I don’t feel like your judgmental gym selfie has the right to look down on me, I mean, ok you technically would be looking down on me because I’d be on the couch, but metaphorically, morally, freakin existentially, your selfie can shove it’s self-righteous I’m-better-then-you-non-gyming-people attitude up its metaphorical (and your literal) ass, thankyouverymuch.
The bathroom selfie – Don’t do it. Just leave it to the 19 year old wasted bitches in the club bathroom. They don’t know any better yet, you should.
The shirtless pic – See above gym pic commentary. I feel it’s relevant here as well. Additionally, you don’t need to display your nipples so prominently. You’re inordinately proud of them and you shouldn’t be. They’re just nipples. Cover that shit up.
Pic with the hot chick – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?! The ONLY reason I can imagine you’d include a pic of you with some hawt chick is that you think it’ll make girls think you’re cool (“Oh, I got this random chick to take a pic with me, I’m super fucking cool. She totally wanted to rub up against this business, you should too.”). Here’s a tip: we don’t fucking care. Personally, I’m 100% more likely to say no to a guy with pics with chicks (unless specifically stated that they are family members, a friend’s girlfriend or wife, or your bestest friend since kindergarten who gave you her left kidney when you went into renal failure) because some little asshole voice in the back of my head said she’s prettier than me and that you’re a dick (it’s only half an asshole voice).